Guilt

It's so funny what can make you feel guilty when you're pregnant. For me, it's almost anything. If I lay on my back for the ten minutes to get my eyebrows waxed, would it affect the baby? If I don't walk my usual two miles a day, am I going to gain too much weight? I haven't done prenatal yoga in a week, would the stress I feel around my neck negatively impact the baby? How about the shrimp/mackrel that I ate, is it going to give me food poisoning? The other guilt comes from what others say pertaining to their pregnancy.

"When I found out I was pregnant, I stocked up on diapers, formula, clothing, and etc., etc.,etc."

Up to this point I haven't even bought my baby a onesie. Does this make me a bad mother? Over the weekend, I wondered if my last child, selfish streak was at work with the baby. Then I made a headway to the mall determined to buy a homecoming outfit. I went to Baby Gap, I saw one but thought $22 was a bit much. Or was it not? Then I wondered if I was being a cheap stake mother. I wounded up buying a "silver" rattle for a keepsake from Papyrus. I put quotes around the word silver because it doesn't say on the package that its sterling silver. If it isn't, it defeats the purpose, because it won't last for generations to be a family heirlom. Then, I wondered if the actual pregancy wasn't real to me, yet.

Yeah, I keep a journal and read anything on pregnancy, but I still don't think it hit me, really hit me. My stomach is a bit bigger, I'm wearing maternity clothes, I feel the movement of the baby (even now as I'm writing, I feel her movement), I have even seen ultrasounds of the baby; but it has yet to sink in what's really happening. I kind of feel like how I felt whenever any life changing event (my wedding, my graduation) that I'm witnessing someone else pregnant...as if it's not me at all. I'm in orbit watching my hormonal change, my moodiness, my babes and mine joy and elation, burgeoning stomach, doctor's visits. I don't know when it will sink in. I even registered for baby items online, but still its obscure. I asked Garfield if he feels the same way and he said, "I'm fully aware that you're pregnant."

I guess there'll be a moment when I'll accept the change and it would become real. Maybe its when I pop. Maybe its when I feel the first kick. Maybe its when I'm waddling all over the place. Maybe its when I feel the contractions. Or maybe, it would be when I see her face and I can actually hold her. Parhaps that's when it would hit me hard.