Guilt

It's so funny what can make you feel guilty when you're pregnant. For me, it's almost anything. If I lay on my back for the ten minutes to get my eyebrows waxed, would it affect the baby? If I don't walk my usual two miles a day, am I going to gain too much weight? I haven't done prenatal yoga in a week, would the stress I feel around my neck negatively impact the baby? How about the shrimp/mackrel that I ate, is it going to give me food poisoning? The other guilt comes from what others say pertaining to their pregnancy.

"When I found out I was pregnant, I stocked up on diapers, formula, clothing, and etc., etc.,etc."

Up to this point I haven't even bought my baby a onesie. Does this make me a bad mother? Over the weekend, I wondered if my last child, selfish streak was at work with the baby. Then I made a headway to the mall determined to buy a homecoming outfit. I went to Baby Gap, I saw one but thought $22 was a bit much. Or was it not? Then I wondered if I was being a cheap stake mother. I wounded up buying a "silver" rattle for a keepsake from Papyrus. I put quotes around the word silver because it doesn't say on the package that its sterling silver. If it isn't, it defeats the purpose, because it won't last for generations to be a family heirlom. Then, I wondered if the actual pregancy wasn't real to me, yet.

Yeah, I keep a journal and read anything on pregnancy, but I still don't think it hit me, really hit me. My stomach is a bit bigger, I'm wearing maternity clothes, I feel the movement of the baby (even now as I'm writing, I feel her movement), I have even seen ultrasounds of the baby; but it has yet to sink in what's really happening. I kind of feel like how I felt whenever any life changing event (my wedding, my graduation) that I'm witnessing someone else pregnant...as if it's not me at all. I'm in orbit watching my hormonal change, my moodiness, my babes and mine joy and elation, burgeoning stomach, doctor's visits. I don't know when it will sink in. I even registered for baby items online, but still its obscure. I asked Garfield if he feels the same way and he said, "I'm fully aware that you're pregnant."

I guess there'll be a moment when I'll accept the change and it would become real. Maybe its when I pop. Maybe its when I feel the first kick. Maybe its when I'm waddling all over the place. Maybe its when I feel the contractions. Or maybe, it would be when I see her face and I can actually hold her. Parhaps that's when it would hit me hard.

Reliving My Childhood

This may sound very superficial, but I can't wait to dress up my daughter. A part of me feels like she's going to be my doll that I can comb her hair, dress her in frilly dresses, and transform the guest room into a girl's girl room complete with pink, pink, and more pink. I'm reliving my childhood with my daugher and I don't feel guilty. Wasn't that how society prepared little girls to be caregivers by giving them little dolls and playhousee, to someday be a nuturer and a matriarch of a home?

I'm going to look about getting her a coming home outfit this weekend. I feel kind of bad that I haven't bought anything for the baby. I hear women going shopping that day they found out they were pregnant. It's now two days shy of nineteen weeks and I have yet to buy anything. I guess a part off me is waiting for the shower and the other part of me is just old practical Christine who stashes away money for investing in the future of the baby. I guess the latter is a better decision.

Not Yet

Everyone keeps asking me what the name of the baby is going to be. Now that the ball is in my court (Garfield was going to name the boy, I'm responsible for the girl) mums the word. Babes announced to the world the name of the boy, and I cringed. I like the idea of introducing the baby to the world when she arrives, kind of like Kunta Kente in Roots or Simba in The Lion King.

I've been praying about the name for the baby and only two names come up __________. Aha! I'm not saying. Remember, mums the word.

To Ring, Or Not to Ring

I've heard stories of single mothers being very sensitive of not having a wedding band around their finger; while, walking around with a bump. Unfortunately, those around them made them feel even more undeserving of the pregnancy blessing. I've heard of pointed fingers, looks of shame, and hostility all because they made a choice to keep their baby.

Pregnancy brings about a host of misgivings and emotions much less to have to deal with inconsiderate people around you. Even pregnancy magazines rarely feature a woman without a wedding band placed securely on her left hand. Although, I'm married there are days I choose to go ringless. I intetntionally leave my wedding ring home because somedays I don't have the urge to wear it. My wedding ring is one of those extremely special items that I'm afrais to lose and if my gut feeling tells me not to wear it, I do just that. However, now that my stomach is peeking through announcing to the world that I'm with child, I sometimes second guess my opinion, not wanting to be a statistic. Then, I'll say to myself, "Who cares what they think?"

The point of the matter is that there is no perfect time to give birth, but you make do and trust that God will give you the wisdom and resources to raise this gift. In fact, pregnancy has made me more disciplined about my finances and choices in life. I embrace this new stage in my life, even with its quirks.

Prenatal Yoga...In Unlikely Places

Everytime I do yoga, I always vow to myself that I will do it everyday. These prenatal yoga videos are like my trip to the spa on a shoe string budget. The poses target key areas of your body that is under additional pressure (i.e. pelvic bone and back). I like to make it a whole event when I do yoga. I will dim the lights and just remind myself of the gift God gave my body to be able to carry a life. I even sneak away and practice some of the poses I have memorized during my breaks at work. I know I will look kind of crazy if someone will walk in on me in the bathroom doing these poses but it gives me just the boost I need to get through the day.

You Make Me Want to Get Up In the Morning

I must say, the timing of my pregnancy have pushed me beyond limit. My total daily commute is over four hours a day. We opened a restaurant about five months ago, which is about forty-five minutes away. Needless to say by the end of the week, I am drained and I often wonder if I could keep this up, once the baby is here.

When the alarm disturbs my slumber at five in the morning, I just think about the new developments of the baby. I say to myself, "I'm one day closer to my next ultrasound/doctor's visit/weekly milestone." I wonder what will the baby do today, because everyday in baby days are monumental. The other day I was at the restaurant checking out blogs and all of a sudden I felt something around my rib. The baby moved over there and the heartbeat was so distinct, I couldn't believe it. It felt as if the baby's chest was in the front so the heartbeat was even more noticeable.

Speaking of heartbeats. The last doctor's appointment went from a muffled sound to a strong beat which could not be ignored. What a journey! I went from seeing a little flutter of life when he/she was about 7 weeks to hearing a strong beat that says Baby Mills is entering the world with all of his might. I sometimes pinch myself when I think of God's handiwork.

Science Fiction

I laughed aloud this morning when I remembered an odd dream I had the night before. I dreamt that my stomach had a door that can open and close; so we could see Baby Mills anytime we wanted, too. In the dream, I opened the door and invited Garfield to see the baby, but we couldn't touch the baby. Garfield reached for the baby and I reminded him of the "Look Don't Touch" policy. It didn't end there, we invited everyone to look at the baby and after the viewing, we carefully closed shop. The humor was that is was so real, I honestly thought I was going to wake up with a steel latched door on my stomach. Oh well.

Can you imagine if that was true? Women walked around with these metal doors and tada, baby viewing is available. I can see businesses selling different types of latch doors. There'll probably be a bling, bling; complete with diamond studs or a bohemian styled one. Plus, depending on the baby's gender there'll probably be decorating tips to make your baby latch door special for your little one. Perhaps it is a good thing that these doors never existed. For now it would remain in my imagination.